Week 6 Story: The Boss and The Secretary
There was a manager who operated a business and was busy all the time. He never had time to relax because people were bothering him constantly for his time. Even the smallest things like just replying to simple text message made him upset because he felt like he didn't have time for it. He then asked his boss who was the head of all the business about what he should do and the boss said he should simply hire an assistant. He said an assistant could do all the things he does not want to do. After thinking about this for a while he decided to actually hire an assistant. The assistant was the best person for the job because for the first time in a long time the manager was relaxed because his assistant was doing all the small things he did not want to do. The assistant didn't mind doing all the small things because she was getting paid very well and she had the title of Senior Assistant. When people would she was a Senior Assistant she was well respected. One day a salesman
Your spin-off on the The Man in the Moon tale was a great idea! I definitely appreciated the happier ending. Your author's note was especially helpful since I hadn't read the referenced story beforehand. If you have room in the word count limit, you could expand a bit on what happened during each job that made the man not want to continue. You could also write about how the man came to have the lamp. Was it at a yard sale? Did he inherit it from a older relative? I would also consider resizing and/or relocating the picture of the stethoscope. Its current placement is a little awkward as the reader has to scroll all the way down to the bottom of the page just to see a visual aid. Lastly, and most importantly, use commas! There are quite a few run on sentences in this story. I feel like I critiqued a lot, so let me say it's really not that bad! These are all minor adjustments. Great start!
ReplyDeleteHi Mohammad, I really enjoyed your story! It was very easy to follow, and you can’t help but anticipate the wishes yourself. In other words, I feel like your story does a good job at capturing the attention of its audience. I liked how as the story progressed his feelings and attitude towards medicine strengthened. I wonder if it might be beneficial to also mention some good things he likes about the other professions? For example, as a pilot he could travel all around the world… then talk about the downsides. This would make it seem as if he truly deliberated about his choice and makes him choosing medicine more impactful. Also, maybe you could add more detail regarding the lamp and genie. This would provide the opportunity to include detail and might make the genie more relatable/imaginative. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your story and liked how you were able to customize it by focusing on the procession of medicine.
ReplyDeleteHi Mohammad, I had also rewritten the Man in the Moon story for my portfolio! Like you, I was unsatisfied with the sad ending and so I made my own story something that I could relate to more. I thought it was interesting that you made the man a doctor who wanted to be a pilot and a football player. To me, those are on opposite spectrums so I thought it was unique that he had aspirations to be all three.
ReplyDeleteAs for your second story, The Storm, I have not read the original like I did your first story but you made it enjoyable to read. Chad, Mike, and Tom's personalities all seem very different but I like that they were all able to use their own traits to benefit each other in the end. Overall, I have really enjoyed your portfolio so far and I can not wait to see more!
Mohammad,
ReplyDeleteI've read another student's story that was based off the same story, and I'd like to say I enjoyed both thoroughly. I do like the modern twist you put on things, as well as the ending change that you made. The one thing I felt though as I was reading the story is that it could have been just a little longer. At times it felt as though parts of the story were a bit short when there was room to give more detail or add more to it! With rewriting the story in your own way, while keeping the same modern principles, there's so much you can do with it! So I would suggest that you don't be afraid to add more detail and really make the story your own! Apart from that, I really didn't have much else to say other than it was a good story! Thanks, and I look forward to reading more from you in the future!
Hello Mohammad,
ReplyDeleteI first want to say, as soon as I saw your title, I said in my head, "Oooo The Man in the Moon" ! This story was one of my favorite Jataka Tales! Your modern twist on this story is well written. I like how you had "the man on the moon" rub a lamp to have the genie come out and grant his wishes. I am also glad the Laura has given us the freedom to change the stories to how we want them. I like how you changed the way the end story to a happier ending. The ending of the original story was a little disappointing because he ended up being stuck on the moon. You have a well written Authors note as well. I think if I wasn't familiar with the story I would be able understand how you changed the story. Great job !
Hello Mohamma, I really enjoyed reading your story “The Man with Three Wishes” which was based off the original story “Man in the Moon.” I actually read this story earlier in the semester and made my own story off it, so it was nice to a see a different view of it. I really like that you chose a doctor wanting to change into other professions because it made the story more relatable compared to the original. It was nice to see that you had the doctor realize that he actually enjoyed what he did and was able to transform back before it was too late like in the original story. I wonder if he had any more wishes left if the doctor would maybe try one more profession just to make sure he didn’t like anything else. Overall I thought your story was really great and I really enjoyed the modern twist on it, keep it up!
ReplyDeleteHi Mohammad,
ReplyDeleteStarting with your first story of "The Man With Three Wishes", I did notice your reference to "The Man in the Moon". I like how you modernized it to what someone in today's world would likely as for. Why did you pick those occupations? Also, I like the aspect of the man wanting to help people but I was confused cause I thought that was the whole reasoning for him wanting to change occupations, cause he was tired of helping. A possible ending to give consideration would be to have the man find common areas with all and find an occupation (different than the one he previously had) and be happy with it. On another note, the wording of, "Chad was usually there along for the ride and didn't really say anything" sounds a bit wonky. I get what you're trying to say but maybe you could clear it up.
Hi Mohammad! I always love a good genie story, Aladdin was my favorite movie growing up :) I have not read the original story to your The Man With Three Wishes, but from what I read from your authors note it looks like you chose a good way to change up the story. I think there are a few sentences that could be reworded to help the story flow a little better but you will figured that out along the way. You seem to be have a good start and can not wait to see how it improves each week. Good job!
ReplyDeleteHey Mohammad,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed getting to look through your portfolio stories. One thing I would suggest is to spice up your coverpage. It is a little boring and you could add something like mini bios about your stories or pictures that pertain to them. Just something to make your website more inviting and fun for the reader. For your actual stories, they were so great! You picked such different stories to tell, but they were all written so well! One thing you could do is to move your pictures up into your stories so the reader did not have to get all the way to the end to see the picture. To do this on these websites, you have to split your text into two different text boxes so that you can move your photo in between them. Overall, I really loved your stories and think you are doing a great job!
Hi! Mohammad! I really loved your versions of all three stories! I do agree with another comment that maybe you could spice up your cover page just to have some sort of info on it. I had read a couple of the originals, but I really do love your versions. They are very creative. I especially liked the one about the doctor wanting to change professions but discovering he actually liked what he did. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHey Mohammad! I read I really enjoyed your stories. The Man with Three Wishes was entertaining, but a little unclear. I thought it was cool how you brought it into the present day, though. I remember enjoying the original story, and I thought your rendition was really clever. Your author's note helped to make it all a little more clear, so that's really good! Keep up the good work, and I hope to read more from you eventually.
ReplyDeleteHey Mohammad,
ReplyDeleteI read "The Other Side" and it think it's got great narrative structure. I noticed one grammar error: "The man didn't ever take these stories serious..." should be "Seriously" but that's a really minor issue and it's easily fixed. The rest of the story is well-written and well progressed. I think that your word choices are fun (I've never seen "humongous" in like a published book, and now I'm wondering why not--it's under-appreciated). Good job!
Hey Mohammed! I really enjoyed the first story about the large, vicious dog. I enjoyed how you avoided making the dog's owner a part of the story, although it would have been a fun read to see how they would have reacted to finding the man hiding behind the rock from his hunting dog. I also can't imagine coming face-to-face with a dog that large! Your rendition of the Man in the Moon was awesome as well. It was extremely easy to read, and I enjoyed the lesson the man learned in the end about how great his life truly is. We rarely realize how fortunate we are until we trade it all away. Would he have considered becoming one of the traveling doctors that goes around the world to give medicinal aid to others? I feel like that could have cured his itch to travel while still helping others with medicine. Great job on your stories!
ReplyDeleteHey Mohammed,
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I noticed before reading any stories was your home page. I think your banner image is fantastic but after that it just seems empty. Perhaps for one of your revisions you could add a little description of each story you've written so that people who get to your project site can have a better idea of what they want to read. I thought The Other Side story was very well written. I enjoyed reading a lot of the descriptive language you used and I think you were able to implement it in a way that still allowed the story to flow naturally. If I were to make one suggestion for the story I think it could benefit from a little more character development. The way it's written in its current state does a great job of conveying the plot to the reader but I feel like it could use some more information regarding the man's relationship with his tribe and friend. I thought it was a little strange that he only had one friend so that left me wondering if there was something wrong with the man or if he had done something to lose people's trust in the past. Besides that I think you have an excellent story here. Great writing!